WILMINGTON, DE—At a virtual event from his basement before his campaign called a lid this morning, Biden expressed his optimism that Trump will lose the election as soon as the debates happen.
"Once the debates are over, he's done for," Biden said. "He'll be finished once I clean his clock and show him a thing or two. Push-up contest, me and you, Jack!" He then started doing push-ups for some reason but was forced to press his Life Alert button. Aides rushed downstairs and picked him up, scolding him for challenging the computer screen to a push-up contest again.
"What did we tell you about communicating with the outside world, Joe?" said one aide. "Now let's have your oatmeal and get you to bed."
"But Matlock's on!" Biden cried.
"You can watch one episode of Matlock, and then it's lights out, buddy."