WASHINGTON, D.C. - As progressive Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement this week, President Biden wasted no time in nominating a progressive woman of color to the Supreme Court: Elizabeth Warren.
"I'm proud to nominate noble Cherokee savage Elizabeth Warren to the highest court in the land," said Biden. "She's a noted woman of color and I know she'll do a heck of a job--just like she did against my Tennessee militiamen at the Tugaloo River. Wow, she took so many scalps that day folks. Just give this injun lady a chance, will ya?"
Warren graciously accepted the nomination as a "victory for her people" and promised future court rulings would rubber-stamp every single unconstitutional law. "The Constitution is a white man's document anyway," she said. "Document no good." she then spat on the ground.
If confirmed, Warren will serve a lifetime appointment, remaining on the bench until she has scalped every last billionaire.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.