WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the announcement of Associate Justice Stephen Breyer's pending retirement dominating the current news cycle, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has put forth the following statement: "The American people should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new president."
When it was pointed out to Senator McConnell that these were the exact same words he used in 2016 on the day of Antonnin Scalia's death, McConnell explained, "Yes, and the same principle still applies. We should not have a lame-duck president who is clearly on his way out making such an important decision for the nation."
Reporters further pressed McConnell, pointing out that the situation is quite different now, as Biden still has three years left in his term, and he is not a lame duck. McConnell shot back, "Are you sure about that? He sure seems like a lame duck to me."
When asked about the inconsistency of the standards he is applying and the apparent hypocrisy given that Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed just a week before Election Day, McConnell just chuckled slyly and said, "I know. How cool was that?" before snorting a giant line of cocaine.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
