WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his ongoing effort to defeat all forms of death, local elderly man and completely legitimate President-Elect Joe Biden announced that he will end skin cancer forever by ordering Americans to avoid all sunlight for 100 days.
"Look, this ain't complicated, folks," he said in a conversation with his left sock. "We’re gonna tackle white man’s kryptonite. And I’m not talking mayo sandwiches, I’m talking skin cancer, bub! Fightin’ Joe wants a real challenge. It’s me versus the sun, and I’m gonna beat him like a drum! We just need to become mole people. 100 days. No sunlight. Anyone can do that. Simple! If we can all do this one thing, we can flatten the curve of skin cancer forever and make sure every quartermaster has enough spaghetti sauce to stock the shelves of his canoe!"
Scientists across the world bowed down in recognition of Biden’s glorious discovery. Some dummy from Harvard named Dr. Salk questioned how exactly this would cure cancer, but a quick Google search showed he no longer works at Harvard and his family has disappeared.
According to sources, Biden's executive order will require all Americans to draw the shades on their windows and live in the basement under at least 3 blankets until 100 days have passed. Additionally, all references to sunshine, such as the song "You Are My Sunshine" and crayon drawings of the Sun in children's art will be strictly prohibited. Experts say this will "do something really scientific to save lives."
Celebrities responded quickly by digging luxury bunkers miles beneath the Earth's surface to ride it out until experts deem it safe to return to the sunlight again. Those who can't afford shelter will be required to live in caves wearing sunscreen 24 hours per day.
The Biden administration and other politicians will be given waivers to enjoy the sunshine outside since the stresses of their political positions require time to rest and relax.
"As I said, this ain't hard folks!" Biden said.