WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has announced his plan to be sworn in on his favorite text: a copy of The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels.
"I will do my duty to this country and swear on this book that represents the guiding principles of my party," Biden said in a speech, every word coming out with the utmost effort and with the help of a powerful concoction of drugs. "For as long as I am your president, whether that is 8 years, 4 years, or less than 24 hours, I will uphold my oath made on this sacred text."
Not every president has been sworn in on the Bible, with Barack Obama being sworn in on a copy of one of his memoirs and George W. Bush being sworn in on a VHS copy of Delta Force. Still, some are criticizing the choice, calling it "anti-American" and "a clear sign of his support for socialism." These people have had their Twitter accounts deleted for being crazy conspiracy theorists.
Kamala Harris has said she still plans to be sworn in on a Bible, but during rehearsal they were having trouble getting her to touch one without hissing and vomiting with her head spinning around like a lawn sprinkler.