WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of an effort to reduce tensions and tone down dangerous rhetoric during a heated presidential campaign season, President Joe Biden told all Americans that we must eliminate political violence and also Donald Trump.

"We cannot allow this type of political violence and Donald Trump to continue to exist," Biden said in a statement to the media. "Threats of political violence, assassination attempts on presidents, and Donald J. Trump have no place in this country. In the wake of what happened over the weekend, I am calling on all political parties and the American people to lower the temperature of the discourse in this nation and get rid of all the dangerous rhetoric and Donald Trump. Gotta get rid of him, too. And also… also… the… the… anyway."

After several years of warning the public that Trump would destroy America while ruling as a fascist despot, Democrats expressed shock that anyone would wish to cause him harm. "It makes no sense," said Nancy Pelosi. "This is exactly why we must completely eliminate political violence and also figure out a way to make Trump not alive anymore."

At publishing time, the Biden administration warned that Trump's survival may incite other political opponents to avoid being murdered in the future.

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