U.S. — According to sources, the United States Secret Service plans to beef up Trump's security team with a squad of blind midgets.
"I have personally vetted these seeing-impaired persons of limited stature and certify them ready for deployment," Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle said in a statement.
Republican leadership questioned the effectiveness of these new agents but the agency dismissed their concerns as bigoted. "They asked why they were so short and also why they kept bumping into things, and that's just not acceptable," Director Cheatle said. "They are as devoted to their duty as they are physically handicapped."
"I can think of no one better to protect President Trump than this loveable group of misfits. We call the smallest one Pepper."
The Department of Homeland Security, which oversees the Secret Service, confirmed the recruitment. Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas called them "adorable" and "real go-getters."
"These agents are as tough as any 7' tall man. Tougher even," Secretary Mayorkas said. "They still have to pass the same tests as a normal agent, albeit with the benefit of a handicap in their favor. We don't make them hop over walls or climb stairs, for example. That would just be mean."
Despite concerns from the right, Trump isn't worried. "I am proud to be protected by these little tiny people, not that I need any protection, by the way," he said to cheers. "These cute little Secret Service are very adorable and fantastic Americans. And they wouldn't have jobs if it weren't for me."
At publishing time, Biden had requested a dozen more highly qualified, full-grown men be added to his own security detail to shield him from the cameras next time he falls.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
