WASHINGTON, D.C. — As authorities sought to piece together the puzzle of glaring security failures in the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump, the Secret Service vowed to find out what went wrong at the Trump rally as soon as they figure out who left cocaine in the White House.
"One mystery at a time, people," Secret Service spokesperson Jeanine Harper. "We'll get right on that once we finally get to the bottom of this conundrum about who could have possibly left a bag of cocaine in the White House. All in good time."
Federal agents reportedly remained stumped regarding the source of the White House cocaine despite working closely with President Biden's son, Hunter, to follow the trail. "He's the cocaine expert," Harper explained. "His knowledge of blow and where it can be obtained and preferred hiding places is invaluable. We'll figure it out one of these days. Once we do, we'll totally get to the bottom of the whole Trump shooter thing. Trust us."
Sources within the Secret Service disclosed that agents had agreed to Hunter's plan to have him purchase large quantities of cocaine and stash them in various places within the White House to help investigators hone their skills.
At publishing time, government insiders said they believed solving the issues surrounding the attempted assassination of Trump would be just as easy as learning the identity of the Jan 6 pipe bomber.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
