WASHINGTON, D.C. — After word got out that an FBI whistleblower was accusing Joe Biden of taking bribes during his time as Vice President, the President quickly told his advisors that he needed to spin the "Wheel of Distraction" to get everyone talking about something else.
"We gotta whip up another story, folks!" Biden said as he shuffled into the secret room where the administration keeps the Wheel of Distraction. "If people start talking about the bribes I took during the Obama administration, they'll end up finding out about everything else I've done over the last 50 years. Darginsparnbinder!"
Aides quickly led the President to the wheel as advisors and members of the cabinet stood by to put a new distracting story into action. "How about another pandemic? Let's hope the wheel lands on that!" Biden said. "The next one won't be ready until next year for the election, sir," answered one aide. "Shoot. What about blowing up a food processing plant?" Biden asked. "We don't have any left, Mr. President," said another advisor.
"What'll it be? Ban another random part of a gun? Tell everyone our democracy is under attack? Fall off my bike again?" Biden said.
The President then gave the Wheel of Distraction a mighty spin, with the administration members clapping and cheering. The room fell silent as the clicking of the spoked wheel slowed, finally landing on "ASSASSINATE PUTIN."
"Ah, darn it! We tried that last week and it didn't work," Biden said disappointed. "But, the wheel has spoken!"
At publishing time, the Kremlin reported yet another failed attempt on the Russian president's life.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!