U.S. — Deprived of free group therapy after late-night shows were shut down by the writers' strike, liberals have found themselves now having to pay for actual psychotherapy.
"For years, I've had free therapy five nights per week," wept local liberal Calvin Matthews. "This has been a brutal few days. Doc, could you maybe sing a little song about vaccines to cheer me up?"
For over a decade, liberals have had several different virtual group therapy sessions offered free of charge every weeknight. "It's been really nice to have different therapists on each channel," said local woman Molly Donaldson. "If you need to know you're not alone with all your bitterness and rage, you just turn on Kimmel. If you need to blame your problems on someone, turn on Colbert. We even had James Corden, if you just wanted to watch someone be terrible at their job so you could feel better about yourself. Now, it's all gone!"
Therapist offices across the country have been overwhelmed by the sudden rush of liberal patients. "Just one night after the strike hit, my office was brimming with liberals," said psychologist Dr. Jay Bradley. "Some need to hear it's all Trump's fault, some just need a little reminder that being liberal means they are intellectually superior. I know a lot of people make fun of Colbert, but the guy has been doing a real service for society providing free therapy for so many distraught liberals. I'm dying here."
At publishing time, the liberals were horrified to learn that the government does not pay for actual therapy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
