WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine's Day.
"If I know Volodymyr like I think I do, he's going to love this," said President Biden as he taped a note reading "Be Mine" on a tank. "Hey, General? Can we get those bombs arrayed into a nice heart shape?"
Sources inside the Pentagon report the military has worked tirelessly over the past weeks to secure ultra-lethal armaments for the Valentine gift. "This surface-to-air missile bouquet is really going to knock his socks off," said Army General Leon Platt. "We've also included surveillance maps of Russian positions, marked with X's and O's. Biden even had the boys program the drones we're sending to spell out 'LOVE' in the sky before shooting their Hellfire missiles. It's really got that personal touch."
The Valentine's present, valued by the Congressional Budget Office at approximately $14 billion, will be given to Ukraine without any oversight as to how the weaponry will be used. "Love doesn't come with strings attached," explained Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. "The arsenal is a gift, and will arrive in Kyiv on February 14th alongside a fresh pack of olive-green t-shirts. The Pentagon is still considering whether it is safe to also include a box of chocolate-covered grenades."
In a last-minute addition, the Air Force added a napalm bomb designed to spell out "SWEET PEA" in flames.
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