HELL — Sources in Hades have announced that Satan will finally be opening the underworld's first Chick-fil-A franchise, but it will only serve cauliflower sandwiches.
"We think this is going to be a fantastic addition to Hell," said veteran demon Adramellech. "No waffle fries, no shakes, no spicy chicken deluxe. Just cauliflower, as far as the eye can see."
The announcement came as a surprise, as Hell has been trying unsuccessfully for decades to land a franchise. "We believe all our previous plans to build a Chick-fil-A were thwarted by the undeniably Christian nature of the chicken," said Adramellech. "We demons cannot create anything new - we can only twist what is good into something evil. What could possibly fit that description better than a cauliflower sandwich?"
Chick-fil-A joins a growing list of fast-food chains which have opened the doors in Hell over the past several years. "Long John Silver's was our first," said Satan as he observed the construction. "All you could order was just the breading that comes on the fish! Ah, the torture inflicted was something to behold. Our last project was Burger King, which was pretty easy because it's exactly like a Burger King on earth. I'm really excited about this Chick-fil-A though, I think the anguish will be next-level."
The Chick-fil-A will reportedly still include a PlayPlace, where the damned are guaranteed to get stuck in a tiny slide that smells of fresh vomit.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
