WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that experts predicted would alter the course of history in women's athletics, President Joe Biden announced that when it comes to college women's sports, "May the best man win."

With the changes made to Title IX, Biden officially ruled that men are now eligible to compete in — and dominate — women's sports, leaving female college athletes to fend for themselves in a landscape that will now be every man for himself.

"Here's the deal, folks," Biden said in a statement announcing the new policy change. "When a gal really is a lady, she is eligible to play with other ladies. When a fellah identifies as a broad, he should be just as eligible to compete with other… with other… with the… the… gals. No one should be allowed to discriminate against these athletes and bar them from women's sports simply because they have… they have the… in between their legs, they've got the… they have… you know, the things. Prefarginbarner."

While critics said the new changes would mark the end of competitive women's college sports, proponents of the announcement hailed it as a historic milestone. "It's a new era," said Phil Sanderson, who hopes to make the Georgetown University women's softball team next year. "Gone are the days of women just getting their sporting events to themselves. I'm going to be out on that field next year, and I'm going to straight up manhandle some chicks. Because I'm a lady now."

At publishing time, the Biden administration was also preparing to announce that the NCAA would now be required to provide free testicular cancer screenings for all women's collegiate athletes.

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