WASHINGTON, D.C. - In prepared remarks given to a room full of giddy reporters, President Biden laid out his plans for his final 100 days in office.

"Listen, folks, we're one day in and it's been a wild ride. As my term as President comes to a close, it's time for me to lay out my ambitious agenda for my final 100 days."

Sources say Biden will have to move quickly since it's entirely possible his presidency could end well before the anticipated 100 days. The aspirational agenda includes ending all racism, outlawing inequality, saving Earth, bringing world peace, socializing the healthcare system, and requiring home care nurses to serve better tapioca pudding to their patients. 

"I always pledged to be a president for all Americans," said Biden as he outlined his plan. "Foghorn laid an egg on my cabeza and the henhouse needs to close down before the noodle-boat falls in the gravy."

The White House press corps erupted in rapturous cheers, seemingly moved by Biden's inspiring words. It's possible, however, that they're just very excited about Kamala Harris taking over as President.

"We're just really excited about Kamala Harris taking over as President," confirmed one reporter.