WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Biden today issued a new executive order mandating that every single American be covered with sunscreen, in order to protect the good Americans who are already wearing sunscreen.
"I am really, really starting to lose my patience with these jerks that don't wear the sunscreen," said a visibly angry President Biden. "You have failed me one time too many. It's time for some serious consequences, Jack!"
When asked why people with sunscreen need other people to apply sunscreen in order for their sunscreen to work, Biden responded by staring blankly without moving for 30 full minutes, until all the reporters just got up and walked away.
Scientific experts also confirmed using carefully collected data that "you should just get the $#@%#$&*#@ shot because everyone is doing it and we all have to do it so we can all feel like we're doing something together in harmony like John Lennon imagined when he wrote 'Imagine.'" The scientists then danced and screamed louder around a big science-altar in hopes that Science would hear them.
Biden's order will prevent travel and commerce for everyone not wearing sunscreen until everyone is wearing the sunscreen. Those wearing sunscreen have been advised to stay indoors until all the other people are wearing sunscreen as well.