CAMP DAVID - Joe Biden's recent Mario Kart game at Camp David was reported breathlessly by excited journalists. But they didn't report on what actually happened during the race: Biden lost horribly while trying to sniff Princess Peach's hair on the screen the whole time.

Biden's handlers were concerned, of course, when he selected Peach as his racer, but he was allowed to proceed into the race. Then, as soon as the Lakitu counted down from 3 and started the race, Biden let go of the wheel and leaned forward into the screen, breathing in deeply.

"It's so realistic!" Biden said as he leaned up into the screen and took a deep breath. "It's like I can reach out and run my fingers through it!" He tried to do this but was frustrated when his fingers instead touched a cold glass screen. "Hey, what's this, Jack? There's some kind of window here! What kind of malarkey is this?" Biden then started banging on the screen, shouting, "WHO'S BEHIND THIS SIMULATION? WE'RE IN SOME KIND OF GAME HERE, MAN!" 

He lost the race as his granddaughter handily finished and Biden just ran around Camp David trying to avoid his nurses.

At publishing time, Biden's loss had been turned into a victory after he was awarded -138,000 seconds in the middle of the night.