WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following his controversial announcement last night absolving his son of all criminal convictions and prosecution, news broke early this morning that President Joe Biden was forced to issue another pardon after Hunter went out and committed 17 more crimes overnight.
While the President's decision to pardon his son a second time after repeatedly vowing not to do so was met with immediate criticism, President Biden remained defiant.
"I am hereby issuing a full pardon for my son, Hunter… again," the president told reporters. "Listen up, folks… everybody makes mistakes. Hunter is the finest and most intelligent man I've ever known. Spending the entire night after receiving a pardon celebrating with a dozen ladies of the night and a mound of cocaine the size of a snow bank doesn't change that. To my knowledge, Hunter making multiple phone calls to foreign entities to offer discounts on influence for the remainder of my term isn't… it's not… he didn't do anything… nothing he did was… it's all fine. Anyway…"
Biden was then whisked off for a flight, where he was expected to issue a third pardon for his son to absolve him of any crimes committed while the president was traveling.
At publishing time, Hunter Biden was last seen on his way to celebrate his latest pardon with an all-day spending spree at Crazy Jimmy's Wholesale European Escorts & Crack.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
