WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that President Joe Biden has departed for Israel to preside over the customary opening ceremonies for World War III.
Whenever a world war starts, tradition has it that the participating nations gather for a solemn ceremony that includes the lighting of the World War Torch, the presentation of each nation's colors, and light cocktails and hors d'oeuvres afterward.
Biden has been given the sacred duty of lighting the torch, a task that has traditionally been assigned to the sitting U.S. president. And so, he got ready to head out to take part in this national American pastime.
"You know, it's a real honor to be a part of this," Biden told reporters gathered on the tarmac. "That nice, clean, articulate black fellow, what's his name - uh, Barry, yeah, he got to do this when he was President and I was the, uh, assistant to the President or whatever they call it. And I was always jealous of that. You know, as a little boy, I got to see ol' Woody Wilson light the torch for the Great War. It was a real cool thing to be a part of."
"My butt's been wiped," he added before stumbling up the stairs onto Air Force One.
At publishing time, the pilot had locked the cockpit door after Biden poked his head in and made an Airplane! reference for the fifth time.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.