WASHINGTON, DC — President Joe Biden took a tough stance against the kidnapping of four Americans by a Mexican drug cartel in Matamoros, Mexico this week, demanding that all hotels in the area reduce their resort fees immediately.
"Listen up, folks. Here's the deal. These resort fees are just outrageous," the President said in a brief statement to reporters gathered on the tarmac outside Air Force One at Andrews Air Force Base. "These cartel punks have messed with the wrong guy this time. It's time to show them who's boss, and that means addressing these ridiculous resort fees. Barginzafrutter!"
The story made headlines this week after four American citizens were assaulted and kidnapped by armed men shortly after their arrival in Matamoros. The Americans, traveling to Mexico for cheap cosmetic surgery, were allegedly mistaken for Haitian drug smugglers. "We get a lot of Haitian drug smugglers in here for tummy tucks and botox injections," said Dr. Yobani Gomez. "It makes sense that these Americans got caught up in a case of mistaken identity."
The Biden administration, while weak on border security and reluctant to fight harder against international drug smuggling, is seeking to make up for it by cracking down on exorbitant resort fees. "Human trafficking is rampant. Drugs are everywhere. It's turning deadly for Americans," Biden continued. "But these resort fees? They're out of control, Jack. Hey, Mexico…stop it!"
At publishing time, the President declined to elaborate on his plan to crack down on resort fees, instead waving goodbye to reporters and tripping on his way up Air Force One's steps to prepare for his afternoon nap.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.