PRINCETON, NJ — Despite being armed with respectable PhDs, published papers, and bowties, historians remain stumped that kids throughout history didn't commit suicide despite having no access to gender surgery.
They expressed astonishment that high rates of child suicide only exist in the country graciously offering gender surgeries to minors.
"We've pored over manuscripts, scrolls, hieroglyphs, petroglyphs, and really old tweets," said Professor of Old-Timey Children's Studies, Dr. Richard Pritchard, "But we've been left perplexed that both gender surgeries and child suicides were practically nonexistent in civilizations past."
Dr. Pritchard had caused a stir in academia after claiming to have stumbled upon a centuries-old North American society that appeared to have offered gender-affirming surgery for minors. After peer review, however, his work was discredited with the discovery that the Aztecs were simply mutilating and sacrificing their children to the gods.
"It's a common misunderstanding to confuse child gender surgery and ritual child sacrifice, as the two practices have such striking similarities," said Pritchard, "For example, in both cases, the parents seek to trade their children's lives for increased status in the eyes of their community and their gods."
At publishing time, historians had announced confusion that past governments did not immediately collapse despite having no obligatory staff diversity quotas.
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