WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning revelation last night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired previously unseen footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol that definitively showed the mastermind behind the entire incident.
"What you are about to see is shocking," Carlson warned viewers before airing the video. "Parties from both inside and outside the government have tried desperately to keep this footage from ever being seen. Now we know why."
In the new video, it can be clearly seen that former First Lady, New York Senator, Secretary of State, and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton — wearing a furry buffalo-horned hat — stirred the assembled protestors up into an angry mob before prompting them to enter the Capitol. "Get in there, you deplorables!" Clinton can be seen shouting to people as she ushered them toward a Capitol entrance, where guards were politely holding the doors open for them and waving them in.
In additional footage, a frustrated Clinton can be heard urging other protestors to poop on then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's desk. When reached for comment on the video, Clinton denied any involvement. "This is simply more evidence of a vast right-wing Russian conspiracy," Clinton said in a statement. "I was not present at the horrific attempt to violently overthrow our government on January 6th, 2021, despite the fact that I do own a buffalo hat."
At publishing time, Hillary Clinton was looking to make peace by offering Tucker Carlson an all-expenses-paid vacation to Matamoros, Mexico, including security provided by her personal bodyguards.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
