WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden today announced that his administration will be helping the hostages trapped in Afghanistan after all, once it was revealed that a world-renowned McDonald's ice cream machine repairman was one of the captives.
Biden announced in a speech that he would stop at nothing to save the hostages, reversing the administration's previous policy of just saying "eh whatever" to Americans trapped in a foreign country.
"We will not rest. We will not falter. We will not fail," Biden said sternly after learning the McFlurry repair guy was trapped on a plane at the airport in Kabul. "We will do anything we need to do to get this guy out." Reporters and commentators said that Biden appeared more lucid, focused, and charismatic than he's been in the past 20 years. "If we need to send in every last American soldier, we will do so. We'll start a new war if we have to. We'll pull out all the stops."
With tears in his eyes, Biden made a personal, impassioned address to the McFlurry repairman. "We're pulling for you. We're praying for you. You are not alone. We will not abandon you in your time of need. America does not leave anyone behind—not when ice cream is on the line."