WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a presidential address to a hurting and anxious country, President Biden assured all Americans that he understands what they're dealing with and that the buck stops with Putin.
"Listen, folks, I know you're struggling. I know you're worried," said Biden as an aide stood behind him to hold his head up and wipe his drool. "And I want you to know, I will do everything in my power as President of the United States to assure you that it's not my fault. The buck always has, and always will, stop with Putin."
Economic expert and TikTok makeup tutorial influencer Ellie Zeiler concurs with the President's assessment. "All this bad stuff has nothing to do with bad energy policy, bad foreign policy, bad economic policy, or bad monetary policy," she said, reading the script given to her by Biden's propaganda czar. "It's all, like, Putin's fault and stuff."
In his speech, Biden invited the country to join together in not holding him responsible for anything that's happening. "Let us unite," he said, "around the timeless American principle of not blaming me!"
The President has directed his cabinet to take full responsibility for making sure everyone knows nothing is his responsibility until Putin stops what he's doing so he can start being a good president again.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.