GENEVA, RUSSIA — President Joe Biden has announced to the world that talks with Russian President Vladimir Putin have been a massive success.
“We had a real breakthrough, me and ol’ Putin,” said Biden triumphantly. “I stared him down and said, ‘Look pal, here’s the deal: You get whatever you want, but my son WILL get a cushy job over on the Russian pipeline.’”
“Well, suffice to say my son is now employed again and the board of Nord Stream 2 will get my son’s expertise! Putin caved to my demands all in exchange for access to our nation’s secrets, surveillance, and some sanctions against America,” announced Biden as he was met with thunderous applause from all journalists present. “I took em’ to the cleaners and didn’t hold back.”
“Wow, no President can make a deal quite like Biden can!” said MSNBC journalist Kathy Pigeons welling up with tears. “Finally, a President who can stand up to that bully Vladimir Putin and create jobs for the American people.”
Most Americans were hoping to hear news addressing cyberterrorism concerns, resuming diplomatic relations, and easing tensions between the two nations. But once they realized that Hunter Biden got a job, those concerns seemed trivial. “Well, the President of the United States wouldn’t have gone all that way to talk to Putin if it wasn’t in our best interest.”
Hunter Biden was asked for comment, but he had already begun celebrating this big win for America.