WASHINGTON, D.C. - After the incredible success of his free crack pipe program, President Joe Biden has announced a new 80 billion-dollar program to provide every white suburban woman in America a set of free wine glasses.
"We want to help everyone cope with the pain and suffering wrought by mysterious forces completely unrelated to the Biden Administration," said Press Secretary Jen Psaki while taking a swig of Chardonnay from a government-issued crystal glass. "If you drown your sorrows in wine, or crack, or whatever, it'll make the next 3 years go by much quicker!"
Sources say that after confirming citizens' gender and whiteness level, the government will send a free set of 8 glasses to suburban women, white Karens, wine mommies, and furbaby mommas across the country.
Psaki confirmed the details of the new program. "As a real human president who is really smart and alive and who understands common people, he wants to make sure the white women all have wine glasses so they can drink in style," she said. "And wine glasses are way classier than drinking straight out of the wine box most women hide in their bathroom cabinet."
At publishing time, Biden's support among Oenophiles dropped as they were upset to receive glasses unsuitable for red wine.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: