Scripture
Bible Scholars Confirm 'Do Not Be Anxious' Does Not Apply In A Global Pandemic

U.S.—Scholars across the nation have come to an agreement that the biblical commands not to be anxious do not apply in a global pandemic.

From Jesus's command not to be anxious in Matthew 6 to Paul's similar exhortation in Philippians 4, none of these were intended to apply when things get really bad, scholars have confirmed.

"Yes, the Bible says not to be anxious, but it didn't mean when there's a pandemic," said Dr. Tad Binkerton, professor at Eisegesis Bible Institute. "Our new understanding of the text is that we're supposed to just start running around as though our hair's on fire whenever things go the slightest bit wrong. The command was only intended to apply when things were going well."

Other situations in which the commandments not to worry don't apply include the following:

  • Economic disasters
  • Natural disasters
  • Disastrous disasters
  • Church greeting times
  • When work is kinda difficult
  • When your Amazon order is delayed a few days
  • During times of persecution
  • When you have to work from home and your kid keeps watching friggin' Ryan's World on YouTube and you want to jump out a window because Ryan's mom is so annoying.

"So as you can see, this verse is a lot less encouraging than you thought at first."

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