CLEVELAND, OH—Has Democratic candidate/heartthrob Beto O'Rourke gone too far? Despite being a white male, Robert Francis has started to win the hearts and minds of the Democrats, in part because of his impassioned speeches about things---not because of what they actually say (even Beto's not 100% sure what his speeches are about), but because of his charisma as he leaps up on tables, barstools, and countertops to implore his fellow Americans to vote for him or something.
But O'Rourke may have spent all that goodwill in a costly faux pas, as he leaped upon an elderly woman's head during a recent rally to deliver his impassioned speech.
"We need an America that works for everyone!" he cried as he grabbed a microphone and jumped up on the old lady who was knitting a scarf, planting his foot in her noggin. "It's like Nirvana said: 'Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet, cut myself on angel hair and baby's breath." The crowd gasped and attempted to remove O'Rourke from the woman, but he was unfazed, quoting several songs by Pink Floyd, the White Stripes, and Nickelback. Finally, he got bored and wandered out the back door, still humming a Pearl Jam tune.
"I just got caught up in the heat of the moment," he told reporters later as he lit up a bong. "America, trust, hope, change, you know? It's like we're all like living together, but not apart---different but the same, you feel me?" O'Rourke stared off into the sunset wistfully. "Man, America, man."