BURLINGTON, VT—In a video message recorded from one of his many, many houses, Bernie Sanders has called on the workers of the world to unite and seize the means of toilet paper production.
Sanders was under quarantine because he is old and susceptible to the virus. So he delivered the message remotely, but it was just as powerful as if he had delivered it to thousands of Bernie bros in person: "Workers of the world, unite and seize the means of producing bath tissue in large quantities!"
Being a well-known communist, Sanders criticized the free market for having so much prosperity and toilet paper that people could run out and purchase hundreds of rolls they don't even need on a whim. "1% of the people now own 99% of the toilet paper. Under a socialist system, each person would get an equal amount, which would probably be two or three squares. But at least we would all be equal."
The presidential candidate has also promised to enact efficient, government-run toilet paper lines if elected president.
"My fellow Americans, can you spare a square?" he asked his loyal followers.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.