WASHINGTON D.C. - In a surprising move, Senator Bernie Sanders, who has long championed a $15 minimum wage, has now come out against the federal mandate. This is because he learned, to his horror, that to get the $15, people were still required to do an hour's work.

"This is unconscionable!" Sanders exclaimed to the press. "I thought we were forcing corporations to just give everyone fifteen bucks an hour. I didn't know we were asking people to work for it. That's horrible."

Sanders has spent his 79 years on Earth avoiding any sort of work whatsoever, which is why he was disgusted when he found out the bill he had been fighting for was all about people having to do actual labor. "Can't we just have billionaires do all the work and then give everyone else money?" Sanders suggested.

With Sanders turning against the measure, others have followed. "If we just made everything free, no one would have to do any work at all," said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez from the Capitol stairwell, a place from which she was forced to give a press conference, as she had once again gotten her head stuck in the banister.