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Being "woke" is very important in order to show the world you're a good person, and also to avoid having your entire life wrecked by a Twitter mob!
In order to achieve success and respect from all the good woke people -- which is the most important thing you can achieve in life -- you need to learn how to be properly woke! Here is our definitive guide:
- Carefully choose your pronouns and then scream them at everyone you meet: Whenever you go to Costco, loudly scream your pronouns in shoppers' faces. If anyone refuses to celebrate your pronouns, smash a giant box of pretzels over their head and call the manager.
- Select the most oppressed identity possible: Test people's loyalty to the cause by identifying as a walrus and cancel anyone who doesn't make walrus noises every time they see you.
- Compare everything to Nazis: Compare everything to Nazis (as long as you're a Democrat. If you're a Republican this might get you fired).
- Learn to hate the right people: Hate is good when directed at the correct targets. All you have to do is follow the guidelines of a mentally ill Twitter mob who will help steer your hate in the right direction!
- Pre-order David Hogg's Good Pillow: You want to sleep at night, don't you??
- Classify everyone according to their race and not as an individual: Always loudly acknowledge the skin color of every person you talk to and make it the main subject of the conversation.
- If you are white, do not have any black friends: This may trick you into thinking you aren't racist.
- To help atone for our racist past, try some casual segregation: Create safe spaces where everyone is segregated by race, gender, and gender identity. It's the only way to achieve unity. Anyone who objects to this is racist.
- Vote for policies that sound virtuous, no matter how much they actually harm people of color: Always vote for policies with virtuous-sounding names, even if they destroy black and brown communities. Appearance is everything!
- Always have extremely low expectations of minorities: Be sure to constantly remind them they can never overcome their circumstances without your help.
- Abandon religion, and instead accept everything the woke crowd believes without question: Your religious beliefs are at odds with others. You should fix that and accept Wokism. Repeat after us: WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT.
- Achieve inner peace by constantly beating yourself up for not doing better: Place a hard yoke and a heavy lifelong burden upon yourself that will never be satisfied and that will never offer grace, forgiveness, or rest.
That's pretty much it! Get back to us when you have achieved all these. We'll probably have a new list for ya!
NOT SATIRE: Be sure to pick up a copy of Woke Fragility (a parody!): Bringing Moderates to Heel. Better yet, pick up ten copies. Woke Fragility is a parody of Robin Di'Angelo's White Fragility, which was a painfully stupid book begging for a parody. Enjoy!