Theology
Progressive Pleased To Discover That Hell Has No Climate Change

HELL—According to sources, progressive souls who have been sent to Hell are pretty stoked after finding out that there's no climate change there.

"Yeah, we're pretty proud of our environmental record," said Marvin Diabolos, temperature manager for sector 38 of the Lake of Fire. "In over 10,000 years, our temperature hasn't fluctuated so much as one degree. People who get sent here can rest easy knowing they will never be at risk of suffering from climate change."

According to experts, people sent to Hell may suffer from other things such as loneliness, excruciating burns, and John Lennon's "Imagine" being played on an eternal loop. They will not, however, ever have to suffer the devastating effects of slow temperature fluctuations over the span of a century.

"Sounds like paradise!" said one enthusiastic progressive. "Maybe, if we work hard, we can make Earth just like Hell!"


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