LOS ANGELES, CA - The Cincinnati Bengals were seen celebrating in the locker room during the first quarter of the Super Bowl today, even though they're far from clinching a win. According to sources, the Bengals are just really happy to no longer be in Ohio.
"I'm so overwhelmingly grateful. This is the greatest day of my life," said quarterback Joe Burrow, wiping a single tear from his eye. "I can't believe I'm not in Ohio anymore. This is what our team has worked for all year - the chance to escape that cold, frozen, endless, and empty cornfield, if only for a day."
Sports historians say the overwhelming urge to escape the midwestern state is the primary motivation for every sports team that has ever been based there. "What many don't understand is that Ohio is a dark, tragic place where people entertain themselves by going to corn mazes or shopping at Walmart," said Ohio State anthropology professor Bob Smith. "It's horrible...no laughing matter."
Joe Burrow told reporters that whether they win or lose, they're just happy to be somewhere, anywhere - other than Ohio.
"Regardless of the outcome," said Burrow, "our absence from Ohio is cause for celebration. In fact, I think after the game we'll celebrate with some Skyline Chili. Um...you do have Skyline Chili here in LA, right?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
