SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT — Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, founders of the popular ice cream company Ben & Jerry's, are calling for the return of all Native American land in the country to its original dead owners. To promote their new initiative, they announced a new, limited-time offer that will allow indigenous people to exchange one white scalp for a pint of Chunky Monkey.
"At any one of our 205 locations, we invite our Native American friends to bring in one scalp from a paleface colonizer to trade for a sweet treat!" said Jerry. "This promotion will continue until all Native American lands have been returned--except, of course, for the lands on which our 205 locations reside. Obviously. That's a no-brainer. Otherwise, we'd be out of business. Ha ha."
Indigenous peoples are being encouraged to collect as many gruesome trophies as they want, although Ben reiterated they have a strict limit of one scalp per person per visit. "This is our humble way of facilitating some reparations for past injustices," said Ben. "Because we're good liberals and that's what good liberals do."
"I want to reemphasize how good we are. We're really good people. So good."
At publishing time, Ben & Jerry had finally agreed to give back the ancestral lands of their store locations in exchange for having a new location in every casino.
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