If you've come within fifty miles of Twitter or Facebook this week, you've probably heard about a mysterious new document called the "Nashville Statement." Depending on which crowd you run with, you probably think it's either a 67th book being added to the canon of Scripture, or else a modern, revised version of Mein Kampf. But unlike the unwashed masses on your social networks, you're a smart person, and so you came to The Babylon Bee to get the story straight.
So here they are: just the facts about the Nashville Statement.
What does the Nashville Statement say?
It says some really controversial stuff for Bible-believing Christians, like that God made Adam and Eve as (trigger warning) male and female, that marriage was created by God to be the union between one man and one woman, that He loves people with gender dysphoria and same-sex attraction even if He doesn't approve of all of their actions, and that He offers His grace and mercy to sinners of all stripes.
Who has signed the Nashville Statement?
A whole mob of fringe, hate-filled bigots with zero credibility, such as John Piper, J.I. Packer, Mark Dever, R.C. Sproul, John MacArthur, Al Mohler, Russell Moore, Francis Chan, and Matt Chandler. Just look at that list of theological lightweights - couldn't they at least have gotten some people who've proven themselves as faithful witnesses of Christ?
Who has come out in opposition to the Statement?
A bunch of folks who believed everything it says just a couple years ago.
What is their main argument in opposition to the Statement?
That those supporting the Nashville Statement are not doing so because they believe the Word of God, but because they are homophobic, neo-nazi white supremacists who worship Donald Trump - which makes sense, as long as you don't think about it for longer than about three seconds.
How should I respond to the Nashville Statement?
You could start up a hashtag-based movement telling people to abandon the faith because the Bible doesn't line up with their personal feelings, or you could launch into a 500-tweet-long rant about the Statement so that everyone knows how sensitive and caring you are. If you really want to effect social change, you could even change your profile overlay to a rainbow flag or #RESIST image macro for the next week or so. BUT, whatever you do, above all else, definitely do not read the Statement and actually attempt to honestly engage with its claims. That way, madness lies.