OKLAHOMA CITY - The discovery of a new papyrus manuscript in Cairo Egypt has revealed several long-forgotten introductions to the Apostle Paul's letters in which Paul commanded the children to be dismissed to youth ministry so the adults could focus on the message.

One newly discovered opening to the book of Romans reads:

"Paul, an apostle of God, to the little children aged twelve and under, set apart for separate services in the children's wing: Depart from the presence of the adults, so that we may focus on the message, without being hindered by the toils and tribulations of parenthood."

"These amazing new passages of scripture provide a fascinating glimpse at how children's ministry worked in the early church," said Biblical scholar Yohn Hamid. "This whole time we thought youth group was a stupid thing the modern church made up because they're too lazy to train their kids to behave in a Sunday service, but it turns out the practice was biblical all along!" 

Paul's second letter to the Corinthians opens on an even sterner note: 

"I wrote to you in my letter to dismiss the children, but I hear you had not done so! Foolish Corinthians! Expel them from among you so that you may focus. Place them in youth ministry where they can play games and do crafts."

UPDATE: At the time of publishing, scholars have determined verses are likely inauthentic, having been inserted by a heretical cult in 182 A.D.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.