DADEVILLE, AL — A local Baptist church was forced to cancel its normal observation of the Lord's Supper last week after it was discovered that the grape juice used for communion had fermented.

"There's just no way we could have communion under these circumstances," said Pastor Arlo Wickett. "It would simply not be proper, or even Christian, to have people drinking wine at the Lord's Supper. That would be sinful and unprecedented!"

The decision to cancel communion was made by the church's staff shortly before congregants began arriving for the Sunday morning service. The deacon in charge of setting up the Lord's Table reported that the grape juice "smelled a little funny" before tasting some from one of the small plastic communion cups. The deacon, who asked to remain anonymous, immediately became intoxicated, passed out, and was carried to the church janitor's closet to sleep it off.

Members of the congregation were initially confused about the lack of communion but were in agreement with the decision after being told of the incident. "Drinking wine is a sin. Everyone knows that," said long-time church member Conrad Graham. "Having to deal with stale crackers that have come from a box originally opened three years ago is one thing. Drinking fermented grape juice like some horrible wretch is something else entirely. What's next? Someone playing drums in church? Lord, no!"

At publishing time, Pastor Wickett said the church had donated the fermented juice to a local Reformed church since "they don't use the King James, so they're on their way to hell anyway."

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