WASHINGTON, D.C. — Desperate to keep more of the American public from seeing previously unreleased security camera footage from the January 6, 2021 breaching of the U.S. Capitol, New York Senator Chuck Schumer has now issued a warning that the Buffalo Hat QAnon Shaman will crawl out of the television set and kill anyone who dares to view the video.
"I cannot overstate how dangerous this is," Senator Schumer said to members of the media at the Capitol. "I heard from a friend who said their uncle's cousin's ex-wife told them that this video is cursed. Cursed! If you watch the video, at some point in the next seven days, the Buffalo Hat QAnon Shaman will supernaturally crawl out of your TV and murder you! Save yourselves! Watch CNN! It's your only hope!"
Fox News host Tucker Carlson has come under heavy criticism from government officials on both sides of the political aisle and members of the mainstream news media for airing previously unseen video from the day of the riots, with some declaring Carlson's decision a threat to democracy itself. With Carlson's show drawing huge ratings, Schumer took a more drastic approach. "You'll literally die if you watch the video," Schumer said. "You'll die and you'll also kill democracy and freedom. That's not in any way an exaggeration."
At publishing time, after hearing about Carlson's intention to continue airing new footage, Schumer was reportedly meeting with Mitch McConnell and other prominent political leaders to plan the next train derailment or viral pandemic release to draw attention from the damning video.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
