RICHMOND, VA — A local man was reportedly devastated after spending his life listening to the band Evanescence and thinking they were Christian, only to learn that he was wrong and would now be spending eternity in Hell.
Kevin McGraw said he had lived his life under the false impression that Evanescence was a Christian rock band and believed his lifelong devotion to listening to them would give him the extra boost he would need to qualify for eternal life in Heaven with the rest of the saints. Upon learning of his impending arrival at the gates of Hell, McGraw was severely disappointed.
"I can't believe this," he said. "You mean to tell me that Evanescence wasn't a Christian band? There must be some mistake here. Have you heard their lyrics? ‘Wake me up inside?' ‘Save me?' ‘Call my name and save me from the dark?' Come on… that sounds pretty Christian to me. I must've listened to that song about 5,000 times during high school alone. That has to count for something."
After frantically researching the band, McGraw became more despondent as the reality of his eventual damnation set in. "Wait! Wait! This can't happen!" McGraw was heard screaming. "That song ‘My Immortal' wasn't about God? Him telling us when we cry, He'll wipe away all of our tears? Right? Right?! How is that not Christian?!"
At publishing time, McGraw's eternal suffering was reportedly set to intensify once he learned that the soundtrack of Hell is an endless loop of Linkin Park.
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