BURLINGAME, CA — Atheists around America spent the day sitting patiently around dining room tables waiting for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal to materialize itself from nothing.
"I was feeling confident this was the year something magnificent would spring up from the absolute void," said Heather Fairchild, looking slightly famished. "But after no food evolved on its own without proximate cause, we just went around the table saying all the things we aren't grateful for."
For many, this annual tradition of waiting for complex food to spring into existence without cause has resulted in doubts about atheism. Arlo Wagoner, another member of the faithless group, said he too was disappointed, but found comfort by watching inspirational videos of Neil deGrasse Tyson and Richard Dawkins talking about the earth's eventual annihilation and no hope of an afterlife.
"Today was disappointing for us in terms of food," Wagoner said. "But at least our soulless bodies were fed with despair and hopelessness. We'll meet again at Christmas to again sit around and wait for presents to evolve from total formlessness."
At press time Wagoner was headed outside hoping a car created itself so he doesn't have to walk back to his commune in Berkeley.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
