ABERDEEN, SD—Gabe Hemsworth, a vocal atheist from Aberdeen, South Dakota, stated in a recent Facebook debate that he completely accepts the multiverse theory that an infinite number of possible universes exist parallel to our own as long as they don’t include the one described in the Bible.
Hemsworth stated that in the past he had used the argument of the “Flying Spaghetti Monster” in debates with Christians to point out the absurdity of their beliefs—but once he discovered the multiverse theory he realized that he, too, believes in a universe that is ruled, governed and possibly even redeemed by a flying monster made of sentient spaghetti. “I have to accept that every possible universe might exist without exception—except, of course, the one described in the Bible—even if that means I accept the Flying Spaghetti Monster as my lord and savior,” Hemsworth said.
The ardent Multiverse proponent went on to state that he readily accepts that a universe governed by Mr. T riding a cyborg ostrich is possible. Also, one with floating, flaming bears instead of stars, one that contains planets full of hairy toasters made out of grape-flavored pudding, a universe that is just one humongous chicken in a bikini, and a universe that is literally a zit wearing a chef’s hat with the “@” symbol tattooed on its face.
“I like to think there is a universe where Richard Dawkins has 20 heads, waffles rain from the sky covered in ice cream, the only plant that grows is pot and weiner dogs are the most socially progressive and advanced animal there is,” Hemsworth said with a cheerful glimmer in his eye. “Also there are only ponies, no horses.”
When asked if this means that the universe outlined in the Bible might be one of these infinite possibilities, Hemsworth scoffed and said, “I am a scientist. I don’t have the luxury of engaging in that kind of wishful thinking.”