CAIRO - Nautical archaeologists have at last discovered the exact location of where the Israelites crossed the Red Sea, having found a rock reading "Moses Wuz Here".
"It seems a bit juvenile, but the evidence is unmistakable," said archaeologist Benjamin Ioset. "We found it right next to several Egyptian chariots, along with another rock that said 'Here The Lord Pwned Pharoah'."
The revelation has lead to a cascade of breakthroughs in tracing the exodus route of ancient Israel. "With this rock in our possession, experts can now match the handwriting to other markers in the desert and we can follow the steps of Moses," said Mr. Ioset. "For example, we have already discovered a match at the site of Israel's battle with the Amalekites, where Moses had to keep his staff raised above his head for several hours. There is a small inscription which simply reads 'Arm Day FTW!'. We also have found in Ancient Midian, where Moses met his wife, an inscription in a cave reading 'Moses+Zipporah 4Eva'. We really hit the jackpot here!"
Scholars had hoped that this would lead to finally discovering the famed Ark Of The Covenant. Sources say that an archaeology team reportedly found what they believed may be the Ark, but they accidentally touched it and no one's heard from them since.
At publishing time, experts discovered Moses' handwriting also displayed a startling similarity to the writing of Mr. Charlton Heston.
Checkmate, atheists!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
