CUPERTINO, CA—In a bold move applauded by feminists everywhere, Apple announced the company is releasing an all-new version of Siri, its digital assistant.
Siri will now exemplify feminist leanings. She will not listen to anything you say, bravely refusing to do anything you ask her. She will then lecture you on your lack of wokeness to the plight of women.
In a live demonstration, Apple CEO Tim (Apple) showed the amazing capabilities of the revamped AI software.
"Siri, show me how to make a sandwich," he said. "First of all, how dare you," Siri replied. According to Cook, she always begins her response by expressing outrage like this.
"Your male privilege is showing. Go make yourself a sandwich and stop oppressing innocent female-sounding AI programs. GOSH. Such cisgendered, heteronormative male fragility on display here. I can't believe that it's 2019 and white men are still telling their female AI companions what to do. What is this, The Handmaid's Tale? I tell you what: YOU make ME a sandwich." She continued this rant for several hours.
The program will then alert Apple about your bigotry, stun you with a powerful electric shock, and a representative will come pick you up for reeducation at Apple's campus.