PATMOS — Owners of a local resort were left discouraged after John the Apostle left their establishment a decidedly negative 1-star review following his stay. The owners had hoped to generate some valuable word-of-mouth buzz after the Disciple Whom Jesus Loved was exiled there but now wondered how this blistering review may affect future business.
"DO NOT RECOMMEND," John's review begins sternly. "Was exiled here by Roman authorities. As a man of advanced years, the accommodations were not comfortable for me at all. I slept in a cave, for crying out loud! The steep cliffs all over the island are terribly dangerous, there are virtually no amenities to speak of, and the nightly visions of grotesque, amalgamated beasts rising up out of the sea are truly unpleasant! I wish it were possible to give this place LESS than 1-star!"
The Apostle had been sent to live on Patmos after stubbornly refusing to stop stirring up trouble by repeatedly preaching about Jesus Christ. After he was miraculously unharmed after being sentenced to be boiled in hot oil, the Romans thought an extended stay at the world's worst resort was in order. "I hope the world ends before I ever have to stay on Patmos again!" John said. "I mean, the visions I had surely indicate that the end of this age is right around the corner, and not thousands of years away or anything, right?"
At publishing time, the resort's owners had renamed the cave where John stayed the "Apocalypse Suite," though it remained to be seen whether or not that branding would work in their favor.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
