NEW YORK CITY, NY — After an introduction from Michael Che, trans rights activist Molly Kearney descended from the ceiling for her highly anticipated announcement of being both non-binary and non-funny.
"Coming out as non-binary was a small hurdle, but the greater hurdle is coming out as non-funny," Kearney announced in a 30-minute heartfelt SNL speech about inclusion and human rights. "I've known since I was a little girl that I was not funny. When I finally accepted this truth about myself, I knew I had to work for SNL."
The audience then solemnly nodded their heads silently and rose to their feet to applaud, affirming Kearney as a brave, non-funny identifying comedian.
"I'm just grateful for a community of closeted non-funny cast members welcoming me as an out-of-the-closet non-funny person," said Kearny to more solemn applause. The new cast member then promised that SNL would throw its full support behind mutilating children's genitals. "When we're done, children's bodies will be as mangled and unrecognizable as our comedy!"
In another move for inclusivity, SNL announced that all new hires would be non-funny and that all funny remaining writers and cast members are expected to retire as soon as their contracts expire. The show is expected to reach 100% non-funny talent by 2011 or 2012 at the latest.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
