We usually publish satire, but today is April 1, and we wanted to write straight news for once. Just because we are jokesters does not mean we don't have real thoughts, opinions, and emotions, and once in a while we just have to get them out. Also stop saying mean things about our satire; it hurts our feelings.
So here it goes: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a strong, intelligent woman. We are always impressed with her intellect and wit. Yes, we poke fun from time to time, but that's because we care. We do not actually believe she would strangle herself while trying to tie a shoe or that she would go on The Price is Right and guess that everything is free. That's just crazy talk. And let's get real here: anyone who does not like her is obviously just threatened by a strong, powerful woman of color.
In addition, Snopes is an excellent, unbiased fact-checker -- definitely our nation's best choice for an arbiter of truth on the internet. If they say it's false, it's false. I mean, they even have a big, red "false" graphic. How can you argue with that? You can't. Our democracy needs an untouchable, inscrutable source of fact-checking, and we endorse Snopes for this role.
Finally, we just wanted to say that Joel Osteen is a biblically faithful preacher. He might be the best pastor alive today, always speaking truth even when it's unpopular, always preaching the gospel in the face of adversity, and not caring what anyone thinks. He absolutely does not preach a self-help gospel that cannot save. No, sir. He preaches the true gospel straight from the pages of Scripture, and for that, we will be eternally grateful as we enjoy our big mansions and fancy cars in heaven.
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Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.