PORTLAND, OR—Antifa held a meeting this week to solidify their plans for this fall's peaceful protests.
The founder of Antifa, Bob Antifa, called the meeting to order: "Alright, everyone, settle down. Bob Antifa, Portland, he/him. We've got a few great new ideas for peacefully protesting this autumn. First off, we've got pumpkin spice Molotov cocktails now, so make sure to check those out in the lobby on your way out."
There were murmurs of approval.
But then, Antifa had an even more exciting announcement: "This year, we're targeting kids who dress up as police officers for Halloween." His proposal was met with enthusiastic, uproarious jazz hands. "That's right. OK, OK, settle down -- we don't want to overstimulate the visually hypersensitive."
Antifa -- the organization, not just Bob -- will roam the streets and throw bricks and Molotov cocktails at "those snot-nosed little bigots who choose to dress up as symbols of hate."
"Adorable little children dressed up as cops? Not on our watch," Antifa concluded to cheers. Someone then threw a brick of approval in his direction.