NEW YORK, NY — A polarizing TV talk show sought to bring the Democratic Party back to its foundational roots this week, as John Oliver attempted to purchase a black man.
The Last Week Tonight host had reportedly grown tired of the modern norm of letting African Americans live as free citizens and make their own choices, seeking instead to restore the Democrat Party to its glory days by trying to buy a black man and keep him fully subjugated.
"This is what the Democratic Party was built on," Oliver said when asked about his controversial offer. "It's time for us to stop pretending to be in favor of freedom, tolerance, and open-mindedness. We are at our strongest when we force people who don't agree with us to do what we want them to do and say what we want them to say. It's about returning to what made our party great. That's why I'm making an honest and legitimate offer to buy a black guy."
Oliver's attempt came during a televised segment of his show, in which he offered to pay a very handsome price for revered Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. "I understand he's quite intelligent," Oliver said of his prospective purchase. "He's simply become far too free-thinking and has spent too much time being allowed to deviate from what he's supposed to be doing. My offer is intended to fix that problem by doing what Democrats have done throughout history: oppress and conform."
At publishing time, Oliver was said to be in the market to purchase additional black people should he find their political views were not to his liking.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
