HEAVEN — After once again finding herself with fourteen million messages asking for prayer, the Blessed Virgin Mary decided to finally just set her voicemail to forward directly to Jesus.
"People, I'm exhausted. I can't listen to your messages any more," said Mary. "Besides, every message is virtually the same 42 words repeated over and over again! I get it! You want me to pray for you! You realize you can pray directly to my Son, right? Momma needs a break!"
Mary stated that she began to consider forwarding her voicemail after seeing her most recent Screen Time update. "Last week I literally spent 99.9% of my time here in Heaven on the phone, listening to prayer requests - and I only got further behind. It's just not healthy to be on my phone that much. I think the blue light is really starting to affect me."
Though her voicemail forwarding has caused much consternation down on Earth, the Blessed Mother has promised to not give it up entirely. "I really hope putting my messages on automatic forwarding for a bit will help everyone calm down about me as we all worship Christ together."
At publishing time, Protestants and Catholics decided the plan was silly and planned to fight about Mary even harder.
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