CHARLOTTE, NC — After the latest bathroom faucet catastrophe, local wife Christy Talamo has compiled a sincere "honey don't" list of household tasks she would like her husband to never, ever attempt.
"God bless him, he's a good man," said Mrs. Talamo of her husband Joe. "He can crunch numbers with the best of them - but ask him to nail two boards together, and someone's going to the hospital. Every time he gets the toolbox out, I call to make sure we're up to date on our life insurance."
For weeks, Mrs. Talamo had steadfastly encouraged her husband to call a plumber about the leaky faucet in the bathroom, assuring him it would in no way diminish her view of his manliness. "Joe got this idea from watching our dads that if he can't fix everything around the house, he doesn't deserve to be the head of the house," explained Mrs. Talamo. "I try to remind Joe that our dads aren't accountants, but that only reminds him how expensive plumbers are. So off he goes with a wrench, and ten minutes later - BOOM! The faucet is impaled in the ceiling and water is spraying like a fire hydrant. It's incomprehensible how much damage he can do with a hex wrench."
Mrs. Talamo handed her husband the extensive list of household projects that were off limits, much to his chagrin. "A birdhouse? You don't think I can make a birdhouse??" said an exasperated Mr. Talamo. "I get the light fixture deal, what with the multiple electrocutions. But baby, give me a little credit! I can screw together one measly little birdhouse."
At publishing time, doctors at the local emergency room were carefully removing a birdhouse securely screwed into Mr. Talamo's tibia.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
