KABUL — Thousands of American citizens still stranded in Afghanistan one year after the Biden Administration's overnight retreat are beginning to suspect the President may not be coming back for them, sources say.
"We've waited patiently outside Kabul International Airport for a year now, but you know what? I'm starting to think President Biden isn't going to come for us!" said one citizen who asked for his name to be withheld for his own protection. "I really hate to say it, but it almost seems like he doesn't even care! Am I a terrible person for thinking that?"
Representatives for the new Taliban government insisted that all Americans are being treated humanely and will live happy lives — as long they never disobey or question Sharia Law — in which case they will be tortured to death.
"We will continue to wait patiently in hopes that Mr. Biden will think of us and maybe send someone," said another American refugee. "I'm sure he's working on a brilliant plan and will send people for us any minute!"
At publishing time, several stranded Americans submitted an anonymous tip to the FBI that they were in possession of several classified documents from the Trump presidency in hopes that the FBI will send someone to get them.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
